Today was a very very long day.
Kevin came home around 9:30.
I FINALLY cleaned the kitchen.
He put Genevieve to sleep and while I was finishing wiping the counters I looked up and realized that even though today felt like a failure there were some wind.
Yes today was hard for me; for myself and for parenting.
I took Ethan to a singing group this morning which we both didn’t want to be at. Not because I don’t like singing but because being social is hard for me, like really hard.
Not the you get nervous butterflies type of hard but the I have physical reactions, sweating, stuttering, light headed, want to cry just for having the idea of leaving the house hard.
Ethan has a hard time with people and public settings also BUT we went.
We WENT and we stayed THE WHOLE TIME!
This was a win for us.
I was so proud of him and myself.
The parenting today was hard also not for any one reason but just from all those tiny reasons that add up into one big one… BUT in the still darkness and twinkling Christmas lights I paused, took a breath and realized that I am grateful for all of it, the hard and the not.
I am grateful to be Ethan’s Mom, that I can have compassion and understanding for what he goes through when we are in public or a place he doesn’t want to me because honestly I feel the same way.
As he laid on the ground next to me and quietly cried this morning I knew exactly how he felt because I felt the same way but it’s not socially appropriate for me to lay on the ground and cry. Today I was enough for him. I was what he needed. I rubbed his back and told him it was hard to make friends and that is ok. Today I was enough for him even with all my flaws, I was what he needed.
For all the moms out there that feel inadequate or not enough. Your inadequacies could be your biggest superpower.
Don’t be afraid to be you, you never know who you could help by being vulnerable and opening up.